I have almost 80 days of continuous sobriety. I feel different than I ever have before – despite having had over two years sober at one point.
My relapse taught me so much about my self. It taught me, that despite having over two years sober, I was still living for other people. I was still doing things to make me feel wanted or needed. I was dressing how the ‘cool’ kids do. I was listening to the music that the ‘cool’ kids do. I still wasn’t allowing my self to be me. I had no idea who I am.
Unfortunately, I still don’t – but I am starting to remember again. If I think back to when I started changing myself to please others, it would have been in middle school.
I used to be really into computers and technology, as well as school itself. In middle school I built my own computer from scratch and was the leader of a club based around computers/technology. I was really good at it and I loved it.
I was bad at doing my homework, but I was smart. I participated in class and truly enjoyed learning.
Know what I didn’t love? People at school making fun of me and calling me a nerd or whatever else they wanted. I was bullied and ashamed of my love for computers so I decided to be more secretive about it. I wouldn’t really talk about it to other people besides my group of friends in that club.
I also was bullied when it came to learning. So instead of being enthusiastic about school, I started never raising my hand or participating because I didn’t want to be seen as uncool.
I essentially shut down.
In high school, the bullying slowed down and pretty much stopped but my need to hide myself didn’t. Mainly because I went from a middle school class of 45 kids to a high school graduating class of 800. I still kept with my tactic of just shutting down that way I wouldn’t get criticized by my peers. I never raised my hand in class, never talked to girls, and never really made any new friends.
I did take some computer programming and web development classes in high school. I did pretty good in them but decided not to pursue it in college because I didn’t want to be a nerd.
Looking back, I can’t help but shake my head.
I turned out okay I guess – considering I work in Congress. But I wonder where I’d be or what I’d be like if I followed me passion of technology. Maybe I would have mixed technology and politics. Who knows?
There’s countless other examples of me doing (or not doing) stuff because I was scared how other people would react. This is the earliest and clearest example of that. I didn’t even realize… well more like accept.. that until I got sober again this time.
I didn’t accept that I was living my life for other people. I also did want to admit I got bullied.
So I’ve started trying to do the things I used to like before I didn’t allow me to be me. I’m trying to get back into computers by learning basic programming and web development again. I just purchased a skateboard online (yeah I used to be a skater). I bought some Star Wars books and a Star Wars video game. I used to love Star Wars but of course didn’t want to admit it because I didn’t want to be seen as a nerd. I might start playing lacrosse again. I’m trying to start watching sports on TV – something I used to be passionate about but stopped over the years.
Ironically enough, this crush I mine loves Star Wars and wears Star Wars shirts. She also works in politics and is in recovery. I also have no chance with her but I can still crush on her haha.
This whole realization that I haven’t known/accepted who I am since middle school (age 11-14) is fantastic. I feel like an idiot that I haven’t realized it by now, but I am happy that I have now realized it.
Time to love my self and try getting back into some activities I used to like a lot. Also time to try new things!
Sober Politico 