I’ve given up, and it feels great!

Today I broke double-digits and I have 10 whole days sober.

Miraculously, I feel FANTASTIC.  I feel like I’ve just won the lottery.

Story time:

8 days ago I had an emotional  breakdown.  I stayed home from work ‘sick’ and I just laid in bed depressed all day.  I felt like nothing was working for me and everything was fucked up.  I didn’t quite have a job, I didn’t have many friends, I wasn’t having fun, I don’t like my apartment, I’m broke, I’m in debt, and I wanted to go home.  I really wanted to go home and give up on D.C. and everything I came here for.

I called an old buddy of mine back home to talk to him to try to feel some comfort.  He’s been around for a while, but he’s currently relapsing.  He’s still my friend though!  Anyway – he eventually asked “How are you doing?” and I told him the truth.  I told him I feel like I failed and I feel like everything is shitty right now.  After about a minute I ended up crying and had to hang-up.  I couldn’t stop crying for another 30 minutes.  Prior to that, I haven’t cried in over a decade.

I called more people and again cried to them and had to hang up and call them back.  I called to my parents and broke down crying to them calling myself a failure and all this other stuff.

The next day was more of the same.  Staying home from work, laying in bed all day, crying – essentially sitting in my own shit.

I had hit my emotional bottom.

Then – I had an old friend who lives in D.C. call me up to see if I wanted to grab lunch with him.  I told him sure, but as long as he doesn’t mind me unloading on him.  He said he didn’t mind.  I don’t think he knew what was coming at him.

That lunch at Tunnicliff’s Tavern changed my life.  He helped me realize so much stuff about my self that I hadn’t known.  I had been living my life all for my ego.  Nearly everything I did, was to make me ‘look cool’ or ‘look important’ in order for me to feel better about my self.  I lived my life trying to fill my empty soul with power, prestige, and whatever else it took to be wanted and admired.

I had also realized, that I’ve given up.  I hit that bottom and I’ve totally given up.  He helped me realize I never truly admitted defeat and that my life was unmanageable during any of the years I had of sobriety.

I never truly admitted defeat to alcohol and the way of life I was living.

After I admitted that to myself – I just felt this huge relief.  It was like a huge burden has just been lifted off me.

I went into that lunch on the verge of crying, and I left smiling and happy.  In fact, it’s been a week since then and I am still happy and smiling.

It’s like I just found out SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much about myself and now sooooooooooooo much stuff makes sense.

Today I have a job.
Today I have friends.
Today I have self-awareness.
Today I have fun.
Today I’ve taken steps to manage my finances better.

I have started reclaiming my life.

In AA, they talk about being on a “pink cloud”; well, let me tell you – I am HIGH on that pink cloud right now!

What caused me to relapse 14-months ago? PAIN

I think the cause of my alcoholism (besides my predisposed genetics) and my relapse that happened 14 months was pain.  

I originally escaped into alcohol because I wanted to get out of the pain I was suffering due to depression, social anxiety, and body dysmorphic disorder.  Being an alcoholic relieves all that while under the influence but exaggerates, and causes many more problems, when you are sober.  

So, my first real sobriety date was December 31st, 2011.  I remember reading an article on TheFix.com and it suggested if you want to make a new years resolution to get sober – you should do it on NYE.  So I did.  I stayed home and spent the night sober.  I also spent the next ~160 days sober.

I did not do anything to change my self besides stay sober during those 160ish days.  I attended university and AA meetings during that time.  I also played club lacrosse at my college.  I was still in pain though.  Just sober.  I thought just not drinking or using drugs would solve all my problems.  Little did I know, that abstaining from drugs and alcohol would just allow me to attempt to remedy the problems I had.  I don’t even think I knew what problems I had during my first attempt at sobriety.  I wouldn’t even admit that I didn’t like my self.

So around 160 or so days I started looking online and read a government report stating that some alcoholics can drink moderately.  This report was the perfect excuse for me to experiment.  At the time, it was summer and I was working an internship at a casino in Atlantic City.  Every night I worked in my office on the casino floor and got to see people my age and older partying and having fun.  I was not having fun at all.  I was miserable.  I didn’t change my self at all.  I wanted to feel good, I wanted to be part of the fun crowd, I wanted to be uninhibited, I wanted to party until the sun comes up, I wanted intimacy (even if only temporarily), I wanted to get laid – all things I couldn’t get while sober.

One night after work I decided to experiment with moderate drinking.  Something my addiction counselor agreed to.  Our experiment was to have 2 drinks the first hour, and 1 drink every hour after that.  Any extra drinks or any other drugs and I’ve failed my experiment.  Time to go back to sobriety.

I actually succeeded for about 2 months at controlling my drinking.  It was very hard and not fun.  I was counting my drinks all night rather than enjoying my self.  I slowly realized I didn’t want to moderate my drinking but rather I wanted to get fucked up.  I wanted to be numb.  I was VERY surprised that I could control my drinking for that long but I knew once I went over my limit once that I would lose total control, like usual.  Towards the end of my two months relapse my sister had some surgery and I stole some Percocet’s from her.  I never used painkillers beside when I had my own surgery, but I remembered that took away not just physical pain but also emotional pain.  I stole 4 pills.  Later that day, I realized I’m a fucking addict.  That was not part of my plan at all.  I realized I was in pain and that was why I wanted to drink.  That’s why I stole those wonderful opiates.  I also realized I was suicidal and literally wanted to kill my self.  I didn’t like at all who I was.  I was in a relapse and I just stole pills from my sister who actually needs them.  To make matters worse, earlier that day she said how she looked up to me.  It made me feel like a real scumbag, something a junkie would do.  

Long story short, I wanted to get sober and was on the edge of doing it again and then I talked to my Uncle (who’s in recovery) and he helped me get over the edge. 

Today I’ve been in recovery for almost two-years.  I have 377 days of continuous sobriety.  I’m not in pain.  I like my self and am beginning to love my self.  I face fears weekly, if not daily.  I’ve grown confident and went from being a negative person to a positive person who attracts people.  I have authentic friends.  I know who I am and what/who I like.  I help my parents and two sisters.  I’m in recovery.

One Year Sober

Wow – it’s been one year since I last drank alcohol or consumed other drugs.  It’s been an interesting year.  I’ve had tremendous amount of growth and nothing bad happen.  I’ve literally changed my entire life, and it’s been hard.  I still have things to work on (weight, confidence with women and sexuality, etc) but I’m on track and am pretty happy 😀  The following are changes I can notice about myself:

• My confidence is much higher than ever before (sober).
• I can be my self.  No longer do I have to be an actor and have a different face for each person.
• I can ask for help.
• I have positive coping mechanisms.
• I’m not as impulsive.
• I don’t crave drinking or other drugs.
• I’ve got authentic friends now, not just friends to party with.
• I have a relationship with my parents, and two sisters.
• I have money in my bank account.
• I’ve made more friends than the last 5 years combined.
• I’ve dated girls that I actually have an interest in emotionally not just physically.
• I’m beginning to know who I am.
• I have new hobbies (or restarting old ones) such as blogging, soccer, reading, reffing youth soccer, cycling, recovery activism.
• I have a career path in front of me (politics).
• I don’t do stupid shit (usually).
• I’m beginning to like my self and am happy most of the time 🙂
• I’ve gotten rid of (most) toxic relationships.
• I know how to say “no”
• My identity is no longer a clubber/raver/bar goer/party guy.  I avoid those places almost completely.
• I did a three-month internship as a lobbyist for a university in Washington D.C.
• I excelled at my internship!
• I’ve gained 30 pounds 😦
• I’m having a 1-year sober anniversary BBQ with friends in recovery.
• I’m comfortable being an atheist in AA.
• I switched from being a Republican to a Democrat after being too fearful of losing my network and having to start over.

Full disclosure:  I do miss some things occasionally because I glamorize them.  I try not to think about them, and they are just fleeting thoughts.  They are the following:

• Drunken Hookups
• College Parties (Really boring after an hour)
• Partying at raves until the sun comes up.  I particularly miss the ones I went to when I lived in the Netherlands. (Went to one a few months ago and it was quite boring without alcohol)
• Posh Night Clubs with Mainstream EDM DJs (Haven’t gone in sobriety.  Maybe I will, maybe I won’t, but I imagine they’d be boring too now)
• Being able to numb my feelings or enhance my feelings through drugs.  (For better or worse, it’s much more natural to feel them the way I do now though)
• Ibiza – the legendary island of the coast of Spain filled with sex, drugs, and the worlds best night clubs and DJs.

I struck them out because I don’t want to glamorize them.

Atheist in Alcoholics Anonymous

The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.

I came to Alcoholics Anonymous to help stay sober – not to become a God loving, prayer chanting person.  Being an atheist while attending Alcoholics Anonymous can be frustrating; from the prayers to the Big Book it all has religion seriously involved.  I know people will make the argument that “AA is spiritual, not religious” but I’m sorry – that is bullshit.  The US judicial system has declared AA religious enough to not be mandated by the courts.  AA is quasi-religious.

We found that as soon as we were able to lay aside prejudice and express even a willingness to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, we commenced to get results, even though it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that Power, which is God.

Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th edition, page 46

I could pick and choose more quotes from the Big Book – but I’m not out to attack AA entirely.  It’s flawed, and so are a lot of things, but AA and particularly the fellowship has helped me stay sober.  So this post is for those atheist (or agnostics) who find it conflicting to go to AA meetings and be true to their selves.

I’m an atheist and I usually attend AA meetings a few times a week; here are a few tips that have helped me that you may or may not agree with:

• I try to tolerate the religious aspect, and grab onto people that aren’t all about God and religion.
• Realize that AA is not perfect, but it’s practically the only group help there is available for us alcoholics and addicts.  SMART Recovery is preferred for me, but face-to-face meetings are scarce.
• Remember what AA is all about: change.
• Find a sponsor who is agnostic or atheist.  I was lucky to find one who’s one of my best friends these days.
• Certain meetings are more religious than others.
• Some major cities have agnostic AA meetings (DC, NYC, more).  Here’s the link for agnostic AA meetings.
• Start your own agnostic meeting.
• Don’t just rely on AA meetings.  Use online forums, online SMART meetings, or see a therapist.
• Take what works, and leave the rest.

Even with these things I do to tolerate the religious aspect it’s still hard sometimes.  Sometimes if a friend relapses AAers will say “God wanted him to relapse”, “He wasn’t praying enough”, or some bullshit like that.  If something good happened in my life “Dude that’s God at work”.  No it’s not – I worked for it and got it.  I feel so bad when people are feeling shitty or their life situation is not pleasant and all they do is pray that God will take care of them.  There is no God, and you have to take care of yourself or find someone real to help you.

If you let it be known you’re an atheist (which I don’t usually), you’ll almost always get shit from other members.  Or people will come up to you and see if you’re “okay” and not about to relapse or something.  Additionally, people will judge you hard for not “adhering to the program” or not giving up your life to God.  It’s pathetic, but that’s what has happened to myself and other atheists in recovery.

The more I’m sober the more I’m confident in my self and true to my self.  There’s a conflict there though.  If I want to be true to my atheism then how can I go to AA meetings that are filled with God and prayer??

There are some times where I go to a meeting and feel like I just wasted my time there due to all the religious talk going on.  I love the fellowship of AA but tolerating the religious part of it is easier said than done for me sometimes.

R.I.P. TheFix.com

Last Friday (July 26) was TheFix.com’s last day operating. It was a sudden closure and no one knew it was coming (on the outside at least). I just wanted to say thanks to that online magazine.

For those of you who have never read it, I suggest going to read it right now! It’s the best website for addiction and recovery information. It shows all sides of the debate and wonderful articles.

TheFix.com definitely has been a part of my recovery. I hope someone buys it out or something that way it can continue.

Today was the day I found out that it was official – and it really made me upset.  I loved that website.

 

People in Recovery are FINALLY Getting Politically Active (in Boston)

One of my pet peeves, as a politically minded person in recovery, is that people in recovery do not often vote or care about politics.  We need to become a special interest if we want to get heard and support from our local, state, and federal government.  Look at the lobby for people with autism, cancer, or any other non-stigmatized disease or condition.  The awareness at the political level forces politicians to listen to this people and act on it a.k.a. appropriate money to their cause.

Check out this article on a Boston mayoral candidate who’s in recovery getting other folks in recovery to volunteer for his campaign.  Here’s the link.

Imagine if we organized to the point we are like a union of some sort.  Politicians would then care about us and try to help out constituency.  A simple fact in politics is that if your constituency does not vote (or donate money) then they are not represented.  There are organizations such as Faces & Voices of Recovery and Young People in Recovery that are trying to do this – but they need more support.

We need more treatment centers that are evidence based (aka not “Pray to God and do the steps and you’ll be free from addiction”).  We need recovery support services that will allow those of us who are in recovery to stay in recovery.  Treating addiction as a health problem rather than a criminal justice issue is imperative.  It saves society money (long-term) to treat addicts/alcoholics and keep them sober.  No more costs to our healthcare system on overdoses or hospitalizations of our selves or others that we inflict harm on, way less stress in our already massive prison population, low-bottom people going from being drains on society to contributors, and so many more positive benefits.

Sadly, A&E’s Intervention is over.

As a big fan of Intervention, I am disappointed to see the show end after 14 seasons.  I watched this show before I realized I had an addiction, after I realized I had a problem, watched it during recovery, and even during my relapse.  I don’t know what affect it has had on me or my recovery – but I think the show is good to expose the seriousness of addiction.

I have some friends in recovery, one even works at the ONDCP (White House Office of National Drug Control Policy), who hate the show and say it exploits people with addictions.  I think they are being ignorant.

Of the 243 people on Intervention 64% are still sober today.  That is REMARKABLE!!!  12-step programs have about a 5% success rate.  So not only does Intervention open up public dialogues about addiction – it also saves lives!

 

Not only does the show itself raise awareness of addiction and recovery, but the network sponsors lots of recovery oriented events such as the Recovery Walk that happens yearly in major cities across the USA.

Socializing as a person in recovery and FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)

Recently, I have been feeling kind of lonely.  It is week 7 since I moved to Washington, D.C. to pursue an internship that, by the way, I fucking love.

I’ve made some work friends who I go eat lunch with, and even a few of us are going to a D.C. United (soccer) game next weekend – which I’m looking forward to.  

As far as doing work happy hours or receptions, I am able to handle those with ease.  I never even think about drinking, and I’m able to meet ‘n mingle with people I don’t know.  In the past, I would just get wasted at these events and not meet anyone really.  I would just find someone who wanted to get drunk like I did.  I’ve met people who brought my self and a few friends out sailing in the Chesapeake Bay, prime-time news anchors, Senators and Congressman, authors, and a plethora of other interesting people.  

 I’m really proud of my self that I can navigate receptions and happy hours as well as I have done.  I used to suffer from severe Social Anxiety Disorder to the point where, in high school, I would never even talk to anyone or raise my hand.  I hung out with friends I grew up with, but was too scared and axious to talk to anyone new or raise my hand.  Forget girls, I didn’t even talk to them until my Freshman year of college – how embarrassing.

So, as you can tell, I am doing great at work related socializing and okay at making friends.  Where I’ve been feeling inadequate lately is an old thorn in my side – sexual relations.  Since I entered recovery almost a year and half ago, I have not had sex.  When I was drinking I was at least making out with different girls every weekend.  During the first week of my internship in D.C., I met a lost girl on the street while it was raining and guided her to the metro stop she wanted to get to while sharing my umbrella.  She was cute.  I got her number and we went on a couple dates before we both decided to stop (no point since we were both here for just the summer).  I got my first sober kiss while dating this girl.  It took me to the second date, but it was fun.  I could tell during the first date, which was a huge success, that she wanted me to kiss at a few different moments during the date and definitely at the end.  I didn’t though – I didn’t have the balls to sober.  But I did during the second date, and that was a huge point of growth for me in my recovery.  Now if I went on a date with a girl, I’m pretty confident that I would land the first kiss easy.

That’s the problem though.  Dating.  Right now, I’m not looking for a relationship since I’ll be leaving Washington in a couple weeks to go back to school.  I want to get laid!  I don’t know how to do it in sobriety without dating a girl.  I want to go back to the old times where I could just go to a night club or bar and hook up – a mutual one night stand.  I haven’t had physical intimacy with a girl in sooo long.  I just want to dance with a girl, feel each other up, and see what comes next.  I know I could go to one of the many bars or night clubs in Washington – but I don’t think I should.  You know what they say in AA, “Hang out in the barbershop enough, and you’ll eventually get a haircut.”  There is certainly truth to that, and I don’t want to risk my recovery just to get laid.  But, it’s so damn tempting here in Washington.  I know if I went out (sober) that I would still have a decent chance of meeting women, dancing, and who knows what else.  I just don’t feel comfortable.  Everything is going so well right now in my recovery – why even tempt my self?  I’ll have 1 year sober in less than two weeks.

Part of me says “You’re just looking to have sex with a girl to feel good about yourself – to fill that void”  and part of me says “Sexuality is very natural.  It’s something I have not been exposed to in over a year.  It’s something I feel like I’ve missed out on completely in high school and most of college.  Will I look back and wonder why I wasn’t out chasing girls all the time?”  I don’t know which is the right answer.  I think it’s a little bit of both.  I’m a 22 year old male who’s overweight but not too bad looking.  I feel so “out of place” these last few weeks because of sex, or the lack of.  My older, female bosses have even said I bet the ladies have been treating you nice and other stuff like that.  My normal friends who visit are always like “Dude, how are you not getting laid?  There are so many cute college girls around.  You just gotta go [insert random bar].”  I feel like I’m just hiding in my apartment sometimes while the world goes on around me.  

But I’m not just hiding in my apartment.  I work 40-50 hours a week doing political work that I love with amazing people.  I go to 2-4 AA meetings a week.  I eat lunch with people, and go out to dinners with people.  On weekends I usually have friends visit or I hang out with some people I met in Washington.  Yet, I still have that horrible feeling of FOMO (fear of missing out) due to being 22 and not going out to bars/clubs and hooking up with girls.  Instead, I’m sitting in AA meetings or my apartment.  

/rant

AA on Capitol Hill

Every Tuesday morning at 7:45am there is an open Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in one of the most powerful buildings in the world.  That would be the United States Capitol.

This meeting is mostly filled with visitors, but the occasional Hill staffer and Member of Congress will attend.

It’s such a wonderful feeling being out of the church basement and into the Capitol.  It never gets old to walk past the guards and into a living and breathing museum and office space on the way to the AA meeting.  Walking past the fine art, marble floors, and the beautifully sculpted statues.  I feel like it shows the newcomer (and people with time) that, “Yes!  You can get sober and do great things!”.

If anyone is ever in DC on a Tuesday, check it out sometime!