I think the cause of my alcoholism (besides my predisposed genetics) and my relapse that happened 14 months was pain.
I originally escaped into alcohol because I wanted to get out of the pain I was suffering due to depression, social anxiety, and body dysmorphic disorder. Being an alcoholic relieves all that while under the influence but exaggerates, and causes many more problems, when you are sober.
So, my first real sobriety date was December 31st, 2011. I remember reading an article on TheFix.com and it suggested if you want to make a new years resolution to get sober – you should do it on NYE. So I did. I stayed home and spent the night sober. I also spent the next ~160 days sober.
I did not do anything to change my self besides stay sober during those 160ish days. I attended university and AA meetings during that time. I also played club lacrosse at my college. I was still in pain though. Just sober. I thought just not drinking or using drugs would solve all my problems. Little did I know, that abstaining from drugs and alcohol would just allow me to attempt to remedy the problems I had. I don’t even think I knew what problems I had during my first attempt at sobriety. I wouldn’t even admit that I didn’t like my self.
So around 160 or so days I started looking online and read a government report stating that some alcoholics can drink moderately. This report was the perfect excuse for me to experiment. At the time, it was summer and I was working an internship at a casino in Atlantic City. Every night I worked in my office on the casino floor and got to see people my age and older partying and having fun. I was not having fun at all. I was miserable. I didn’t change my self at all. I wanted to feel good, I wanted to be part of the fun crowd, I wanted to be uninhibited, I wanted to party until the sun comes up, I wanted intimacy (even if only temporarily), I wanted to get laid – all things I couldn’t get while sober.
One night after work I decided to experiment with moderate drinking. Something my addiction counselor agreed to. Our experiment was to have 2 drinks the first hour, and 1 drink every hour after that. Any extra drinks or any other drugs and I’ve failed my experiment. Time to go back to sobriety.
I actually succeeded for about 2 months at controlling my drinking. It was very hard and not fun. I was counting my drinks all night rather than enjoying my self. I slowly realized I didn’t want to moderate my drinking but rather I wanted to get fucked up. I wanted to be numb. I was VERY surprised that I could control my drinking for that long but I knew once I went over my limit once that I would lose total control, like usual. Towards the end of my two months relapse my sister had some surgery and I stole some Percocet’s from her. I never used painkillers beside when I had my own surgery, but I remembered that took away not just physical pain but also emotional pain. I stole 4 pills. Later that day, I realized I’m a fucking addict. That was not part of my plan at all. I realized I was in pain and that was why I wanted to drink. That’s why I stole those wonderful opiates. I also realized I was suicidal and literally wanted to kill my self. I didn’t like at all who I was. I was in a relapse and I just stole pills from my sister who actually needs them. To make matters worse, earlier that day she said how she looked up to me. It made me feel like a real scumbag, something a junkie would do.
Long story short, I wanted to get sober and was on the edge of doing it again and then I talked to my Uncle (who’s in recovery) and he helped me get over the edge.
Today I’ve been in recovery for almost two-years. I have 377 days of continuous sobriety. I’m not in pain. I like my self and am beginning to love my self. I face fears weekly, if not daily. I’ve grown confident and went from being a negative person to a positive person who attracts people. I have authentic friends. I know who I am and what/who I like. I help my parents and two sisters. I’m in recovery.
Sober Politico 