Socializing as a person in recovery and FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)

Recently, I have been feeling kind of lonely.  It is week 7 since I moved to Washington, D.C. to pursue an internship that, by the way, I fucking love.

I’ve made some work friends who I go eat lunch with, and even a few of us are going to a D.C. United (soccer) game next weekend – which I’m looking forward to.  

As far as doing work happy hours or receptions, I am able to handle those with ease.  I never even think about drinking, and I’m able to meet ‘n mingle with people I don’t know.  In the past, I would just get wasted at these events and not meet anyone really.  I would just find someone who wanted to get drunk like I did.  I’ve met people who brought my self and a few friends out sailing in the Chesapeake Bay, prime-time news anchors, Senators and Congressman, authors, and a plethora of other interesting people.  

 I’m really proud of my self that I can navigate receptions and happy hours as well as I have done.  I used to suffer from severe Social Anxiety Disorder to the point where, in high school, I would never even talk to anyone or raise my hand.  I hung out with friends I grew up with, but was too scared and axious to talk to anyone new or raise my hand.  Forget girls, I didn’t even talk to them until my Freshman year of college – how embarrassing.

So, as you can tell, I am doing great at work related socializing and okay at making friends.  Where I’ve been feeling inadequate lately is an old thorn in my side – sexual relations.  Since I entered recovery almost a year and half ago, I have not had sex.  When I was drinking I was at least making out with different girls every weekend.  During the first week of my internship in D.C., I met a lost girl on the street while it was raining and guided her to the metro stop she wanted to get to while sharing my umbrella.  She was cute.  I got her number and we went on a couple dates before we both decided to stop (no point since we were both here for just the summer).  I got my first sober kiss while dating this girl.  It took me to the second date, but it was fun.  I could tell during the first date, which was a huge success, that she wanted me to kiss at a few different moments during the date and definitely at the end.  I didn’t though – I didn’t have the balls to sober.  But I did during the second date, and that was a huge point of growth for me in my recovery.  Now if I went on a date with a girl, I’m pretty confident that I would land the first kiss easy.

That’s the problem though.  Dating.  Right now, I’m not looking for a relationship since I’ll be leaving Washington in a couple weeks to go back to school.  I want to get laid!  I don’t know how to do it in sobriety without dating a girl.  I want to go back to the old times where I could just go to a night club or bar and hook up – a mutual one night stand.  I haven’t had physical intimacy with a girl in sooo long.  I just want to dance with a girl, feel each other up, and see what comes next.  I know I could go to one of the many bars or night clubs in Washington – but I don’t think I should.  You know what they say in AA, “Hang out in the barbershop enough, and you’ll eventually get a haircut.”  There is certainly truth to that, and I don’t want to risk my recovery just to get laid.  But, it’s so damn tempting here in Washington.  I know if I went out (sober) that I would still have a decent chance of meeting women, dancing, and who knows what else.  I just don’t feel comfortable.  Everything is going so well right now in my recovery – why even tempt my self?  I’ll have 1 year sober in less than two weeks.

Part of me says “You’re just looking to have sex with a girl to feel good about yourself – to fill that void”  and part of me says “Sexuality is very natural.  It’s something I have not been exposed to in over a year.  It’s something I feel like I’ve missed out on completely in high school and most of college.  Will I look back and wonder why I wasn’t out chasing girls all the time?”  I don’t know which is the right answer.  I think it’s a little bit of both.  I’m a 22 year old male who’s overweight but not too bad looking.  I feel so “out of place” these last few weeks because of sex, or the lack of.  My older, female bosses have even said I bet the ladies have been treating you nice and other stuff like that.  My normal friends who visit are always like “Dude, how are you not getting laid?  There are so many cute college girls around.  You just gotta go [insert random bar].”  I feel like I’m just hiding in my apartment sometimes while the world goes on around me.  

But I’m not just hiding in my apartment.  I work 40-50 hours a week doing political work that I love with amazing people.  I go to 2-4 AA meetings a week.  I eat lunch with people, and go out to dinners with people.  On weekends I usually have friends visit or I hang out with some people I met in Washington.  Yet, I still have that horrible feeling of FOMO (fear of missing out) due to being 22 and not going out to bars/clubs and hooking up with girls.  Instead, I’m sitting in AA meetings or my apartment.  

/rant