..and unfortunately they’re at myself. To many in recovery, this is quite common. We are our own worst enemies; we beat the shit out of ourselves.
After having a couple years, and then a relapse, I’m slightly past four months of continuous sobriety and I’m not that happy. I have a lot of negativity inside my head. I’m going to make a list just to get it out:
- I’m fat
- I’m ugly
- I don’t get paid enough
- I work too much
- I don’t have a girlfriend
- I haven’t had any sexual activity in quite a while
- I’m too socially awkward
- I’m not good enough at [blank]
- I have no friends
- I don’t have fun
- I’m boring
- I’m not happy
- Did I mention I’m fat? My body is very unattractive
- I have no confidence
That list took me about 10 seconds to make and I could keep going but I don’t want to. It’s crazy how easily I beat my self up. An outside party would probably say I’m insane for saying all that because it’s not true (except for the girlfriend part).
It would take me a long time to make a similar list for positive attributes about myself. When I write that list, most of it I will feel like is bullshit; that I’m just putting it down to please someone else. I would think that it’s not really true, but sometimes other people say that about me so why not put it down.
I hate to be so negative but I just had to get it out. I’m not feeling too good. I feel fine with abstaining from alcohol and other drugs, but I just am unhappy. I don’t like my self, and I’m not having fun. I know those two things are a dangerous combination that leads to relapse or continual depression.
Hopefully I can have a good weekend and do some fun stuff and feel good about my self.
Sober Politico 